that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
