**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
