i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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