So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
it's great music for shaving your balls
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
