the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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