My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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