you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
