you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
