In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
