can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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