I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
