I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
