Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
