Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
