her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
