You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
