I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
