anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
