i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
