I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
