just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I queefed so loud it echoed.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
