his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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