I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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