dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
