bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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