Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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