I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
