I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
