new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
They are going to name an STD after you.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
