Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
