Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
