Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
