btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
