Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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