My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
