I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
