People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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