Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
