matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
