We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
