I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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