Heybabeimwearingurpanties
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
