i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
