Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
