If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
