I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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