My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
