Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
