carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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