there's paper in my vomit.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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