omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
