For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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